Knowing when to implement what strategy is critical for conflict management and is the basis for conflict analysis (Condiffe 2019; Demby 2016; Jeong 2009). This article invites professional practitioners to use this resource as an opportunity to reflect on their conflict analysis practice. It also presents an opportunity for family members in conflict to look at who and how they ask for help. How do you respond to being worried, angered, perhaps feeling your relationship or their wellbeing is threatened in some way. Perhaps feeling isolated and prevented from protecting relationships that you care about by the family conflict or the Parent Conflict Industry (PCI) more broadly. Drawing from what I know of the industry, as professional and consumer, my question is – when does the intrusive professional intervention treadmill end for parents and children?
First of all, lets identify services that may contribute to the PCI. To do this I with describe a common trajectory from the perspective of the dispute then later contrast this by using the Stages of Change Model. Parent separation is arguable a process rather than an event (Smyth and Moloney 2019). As a professional all too often I hear “I just want to get on with it and move on.”. Where once I heard this to mean “I just want an agreement”, now I hear an expression of grief which will be unpacked in future blogs. So just for now my first call to action for you is to view how you got here as a movie rather than a photo. A hope that “all will be right with the world if I just get this agreement signed” is not realistic. While I am sorry for the brutal hard line of saying categorically as if I know… but consider the following.
The problem with “I just want to get on with it and move on” is this. Imagine proposing “I take the couch and you take the table”.
Each of you will have different connections with the table, perhaps with memories of time with it, or circumstances of purchasing it, and hopes for a future with it.
Each of you will have different connections with the couch, different to the table. However the needs of the table or the couch is not one that is dynamic, its only likely to change based on the changes you create, not from the table or the couch. So how you choose to distribute these is likely to be sustainable long into the future.
Not so with distributing your relationships with family members. One of the great joys of parenting is “watching them grow’. How can a future be predicted once only, when one of the wonders is literally based on curiosity and uncertainty? Let’s face it, with parenting the relationship you have with them today is not the same as what you will have in a month’s time. And even harder for separating parents is that the circle of influence for them to grow expands as the other parent you might share care with changes their shared environment with the distance created between you. Developing conflict management strategies for the long term that work for parents and children is not a service currently offered in mainstream PCI.
Now lets consider the dispute over time.
- The disputes leading to separation,
- the creation of physical distance between each other,
- the formation of new connections that don’t involve both parents as they once had, schools, family friends, stepparents, step/half siblings,
- changes due to time for example developmental needs from baby to school age, pre teens to youth, and how each responds to the need.
- the needs of parents change over time, for example demands of a new job, having to move, illness and how the children and other parent respond to these needs.
Each of these can be viewed through the stages of change model.
The Stages of Change model describes a building up and distribution of resources including awareness, information gathering, doing and maintaining that is cyclical. This model helps to explain why it takes so many repetitions to quit a habit like smoking and why you don’t tell someone to quit when they aren’t aware that there is a problem.
Each Stage of Change includes distinct challenges to be achieved by the person undergoing change to progress forward. These stages are referred as Precontemplation, Contemplation, Preparation, Action, Maintenance (Norcross, Krebs, and Prochaska 2011, p.144). Evidence suggests that an assessment of readiness to change can be considered by asking “Would you say you are not ready to change in the next 6 months (precontemplation), thinking about changing in the next 6 months (contemplation), thinking about changing the next month (preparation) or have you already made some progress (action)? (Norcross, Krebs, and Prochaska 2011, p.151). I would also ask, “how are you managing the changes so far?” to assess for maintenance and potential for lapse.
Let’s consider what you might see in each stage for family conflict.
Precontemplation:
This is when a person may not see an issue that you might be noticing. You might ask – how are things going with you and …. They might respond with “Fine, why do you ask?” They may show some curiosity why you asked or mild frustration that you are sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong. No point pushing if someone isn’t curious for your feedback. You run the risk of pushing them further into pre-contemplative “denial” if you do.
Referrals and interventions are inappropriate, though state based emergency service interventions are likely if there is a threat to life present which forces denial into contemplation.
Contemplation:
When a partner considers separation they will think about the information they have and may want. Exploration could lead people to social discussions. They may hear things like “this happened to someone else I know and they did …”.
A dispute in crisis may lead to initial calls to police, hospitals, GP’s. Schools may become aware through students changed behaviour. Referral are common, legal aid and support lines. This might be the first time the party learns something and will think about the suggestions made. They may return to the relationship to give it another go if the barriers are too big or make the leap into Preparation. Alternatively support lines are equipped to triage referrals to local services if they deem the person is ready for preparation.
Preparation:
A common service sought during the Preparation stage is lawyers as parents seek either on their own or based on the recommendations from contemplation to protect what they are believe they may be entitled to. Friends, family, community support services, counsellors may be a source of information gathering, planning and problem solving in the face of uncertainty. Safety plans are sought as circumstances become increasingly energised and dynamic.
It is very important to note that the contemplation and preparation stages can be seen as a building up of energy and resources. Research into the stages of change model suggests that the more effort in these two stages tends to lead to greater success of the action phase and robust maintenance.
Action:
The action phase may include services like police with escorting people to collect their belongings, banks as financial resources are changed, schools as children’s routines are changed, Family Dispute Resolution, the Courts. Parents may feel in crisis as their future roles are not yet certain and children respond to the changes around them with developmentally appropriate distress. Cycles of uncertainty, preparation, action come in waves with each problem/solution as more information is gathered typically in preparation for a mediation or through the courts.
Maintenance:
Orders made or parent plans signed signify the start of maintenance. Each person named on the plan/Order has a stages of change question to respond to. “How do I implement this now?”
As a service provider I often hear exasperated with urgency and desperation “It hasn’t even been a day/week/month and already they have breached / contravened the order/plan! There is no use, it didn’t work, they just don’t care”
Which services do our parents go to?
Unfortunately as the PCI now works parents go back to what they know, the lawyers, counsellors, police, information services. These services then respond as is their mandate in the stages described above… and so the cycle continues on and on… each time the conflict becomes more painful. See (Carson et al. 2022) for patterns observed by researchers for issues of compliance with Orders.
Support for maintenance is the missing piece. This is a common error made by therapists (Norcross, Krebs, and Prochaska 2011), lawyers and the courts in which in my experience parents are told to get on with parenting or refer to typical preparation/action phase responses.
Even when a person on their own is committed to changing a behaviour they are likely to lapse as part of the maintenance stage and then recycle through the earlier stages to unanticipated events via learning. We are reminded that learning from error is a critical part of success (DiClemente and Crisafulli 2022). Highly motivated individuals can give up on long term change based on the negative biases or blame from others when there is an error including from service providers (DiClemente and Crisafulli 2022). So it is not only shame that gets in the way of change, inappropriate professional responses may represent a significant barrier to families resistance to maintenance.
It is at this point that I urge any professional working with families in high conflict to reflect, review and expand their referral pathways to include Conflict Coaches and Parental Coordinators. The research on stages of change indicates that confidence is most vulnerable during maintenance for even the most well prepared internally motivated individual.
So, let’s consider the conflict exhausted parent who has just endured a process of defending themselves from blame when a problem occurs. Firstly it is not “if” a problem occurs but “when” because as described above one of the joys of parenting is watching the change – you can’t plan for it! Secondly the conflict exhausted parent is yet to develop confidence in the skills they are learning in a new landscape.
What does this mean for separated parents? When seeking help I encourage you to look beyond the crises in front of you. Consider the following questions:
When you find yourself being blamed for an error what safe place to you need to gather your bearings?
When something does not go according to plan what are the steps going to be with getting help that is before an escalation like FDR or lawyers?
There are services out there perfect for this need. Consider Conflict Coaching and Parenting Coordination. Family Relief will provide further information about these services in future blogs, but for now consider Familyrelief.com.au for information on conflict coaching or Parenting Coordination for your families at risk of mishap during the maintenance phase of their transition.
References:
Carson, Rachel, Rae Kaspiew, Lixia Qu, John De Maio, Helen Rhoades, Emily Stevens, Briony Horsfall, Press, Louise, and Georgina Dimopoulos. 2022. “Compliance with and Enforcement of Family Law Parenting Orders: Final Report.” ANROWS. https://www.anrows.org.au/publication/compliance-with-and-enforcement-of-family-law-parenting-orders-final-report/.
Condiffe, P. 2019. Conflict Management: A Practical Guide.
Demby, Steven L. 2016. “Parenting Coordination: Applying Clinical Thinking to the Management and Resolution of Post-Divorce Conflict.” Journal of Clinical Psychology 72 (5): 458–68.
DiClemente, Carlo C., and Michele A. Crisafulli. 2022. “Relapse on the Road to Recovery: Learning the Lessons of Failure on the Way to Successful Behavior Change.” Journal of Health Service Psychology 48 (2): 59–68.
Jeong, Ho-Won. 2009. Conflict Management and Resolution: An Introduction. London, England: Routledge.
Norcross, John C., Paul M. Krebs, and James O. Prochaska. 2011. “Stages of Change.” Journal of Clinical Psychology 67 (2): 143–54.
Smyth, Bruce M., and Lawrence J. Moloney. 2019. “Post‐separation Parenting Disputes and the Many Faces of High Conflict: Theory and Research.” The Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy 40 (1): 74–84.